I would love to say that my In Laws are bad. I would love to join the ranks of people who complain about how critical their spouse’s families are, how they give unsolicited advice, how they come over and bother them all the time.
But they aren’t and they don’t.
I have complained about gifts I feel are inappropriate, but really in the grand scheme of things how does that even matter one tiny bit? At least they think about me enough to give me a gift. I have complained that they never visit (with the great exception of my SIL Em, who thinks nothing of driving all over the place at the drop of a hat)… but really do I want them here all the time? (that answer is NO.)
It’s me. I am the bad In Law. I have issues. I do not go to the giant parties Em is fond of throwing that involve any sort of gift giving. It comes down to money, or rather my lack thereof, and my growing misanthropy. If it were up to me, if it weren’t for my kids, I would bow out of Christmas with my In Laws completely. I feel like everything they do is so over the top, so far out of my experience and reach that it makes me uncomfortable.
This year, my “little” SIL is getting married Thanksgiving weekend. Her wedding will take place at a medium scale hotel two hours away on a Saturday night (that’s another thing I don’t understand… what is with this family and doing things at night? The bridal shower was at 8 pm!) (no, I did not go to that either). There are a block of rooms reserved for guests to stay in, and there will be a very fancy sounding dinner served. I am sure it will be beautiful.
Before we got the invitation, I was all for going. I thought we could drive down in the morning, go to the wedding, then come home. I thought, being in a chain hotel, how fancy could it be? Saturday night, black tie, $200 rooms (with the bridal discount) is how fancy. I did not RSVP. Aldo wasn’t even asked to be in his own sister’s wedding, I cannot afford to suit us all up and buy a gift (or Christmas gifts for them in that case, all of us attending would eat up my whole gift giving budget for Aldo’s entire family plus some), why would I RSVP? I told Aldo he can choose… give them the gift of our presence or give them a present. Or, he can go alone, sans tux, stay for the celebration, give them a smaller gift and come home.
Aldo’s family is very, very upset with me. Of course they don’t understand. I want to put a note in with the cash gift (because I checked the registry and cannot afford to give them anything more than one very nice, very plush looking towel and what kind of gift is that even though everyone should always carry a towel?) (and not panic) that reads “I wish you a life of love and happiness together. I wish you a life full of plenty. I wish you never, ever, ever have to choose between paying your bills and attending someone’s celebration”. But that would be tacky. I’ll just sign it “Love, Aldo, Laura and family“. Better for them to think I am just horrible. I hope they never have to understand.
I can relate to this so much. I have isolated myself over the past couple of years due to lack of money. My husband and I are on a contract to pay back his business debt and money is very tight. Our friends were understanding initially but now they’re like : ‘Haven’t you paid that back yet?’ I wonder how they would go paying back over two hundred thousand while paying Sydney rent, medical bills and raising a child. It isn’t easy but because we don’t complain about it they think it isn’t a problem.
There are so many events I haven’t gone to in recent years because I just couldn’t afford to. People don’t understand that if I spend money on a new outfit and a gift someone doesn’t really need I won’t be able to pay my rent. It hurts me that they don’t even try to see how hard it is for me. Sometimes I am ashamed of my situation but I don’t want to follow the Goldman Sachs line of thinking where you just never pay your creditors back. They have bills to pay too.
Sorry to go on a bit. I get it. I feel for you because I know what it’s like. Sending you a lot of hugs.